You live you learn

A friend of mine recently lost his dad, and recently I lost a cousin of mine who was young and had four children she was raising. I guess this has been kind of downing me lately. Every day I wake up, and I seem to be afraid of the world, afraid of living life. You'd think knowing that life could be taken away from me at any moment would give me the momentum to want to get out there and do things, but it has just made me worry. I go out with Kyle and we hang out with our friends. I went to a party last weekend, and I talked more than I ever have with the people who were there, thats the same at school I talk to everyone, but it's been weird because normally I am not that outgoing. I am seeing myself in a different aspect and being more confident, but I am still afraid to really live life. I mean I try but it seems every time I start to do something fun, I think about Charity, and why should I be having fun, she's gone, should I still be mourning? It's so confusing to me. Especially when I have no one to talk to about it really. Of course I have Kyle and he is SUCH a BIG help I mean he lets me cry and just talk, just like he does when my mom and I fight, I cry and he listens and talks me through it. But with Charity's death, he had only met her twice and can;t do anything but be sad for the family. I guess it's hard to be there to give me advice when he's never really known loss. And how lucky he is to not know it. He tries so hard, but I just need someone to tell me what it is I should do. He tells me Charity wouldn't want me this way and I know that, but I guess I just need to her it from her own mouth...but that wont happen. Life's really hard right now, with fighting with my mom all the time and Charity's death it's like my worlds turned upside down, thank god I have Kyle here for me he's helped a lot...I guess I have to try to block her from my mind but,that isn't what I want. I guess I will just have to keep leaning on Kyle until I can find my mind set again, until then I'll continue to think of you Charity and every time I do, I think of how amazing you were...